leerenah

How do I even know where to begin? I thought I had such high treshold because I even made it to 8cm without epidural when I delivered Sophie. But to experience the labor pains monthly, I feel like I’m slowly slipping away. This pain is consuming me. There are times when I just sit blankly, wallow on the pain, too exhausted to do anything else. It is slowly killing the life of me.

I’ve been diagnosed with Adenomyoma and Adenomyosis this year. To put it simply, I had benign tumors outside my uterus. The lining outside thickens and sheds off just like the insides of the uterus during menstruation period. And the result is an extraordinary dysmenorrhea. The pain is somewhat similar to 2-3cm labor pains. It is so severe that I cannot live without pain relievers anymore. The meds and hot packs only alleviate the pain a little, not totally diminish it.

Though I’m still fortunate that I only experience this for 4-5 days in a month. Some women have them for 2 weeks, or worse, all month long, for the rest of their lives. The good news about it is that it will go away, usually during menopause. The bad news, aside from the excruciating pain, is the fertility issue. Although there are many women who conceived and gave birth to healthy children while having the disease.

I had to live through this, I know. I also know in time it will get better. The pain, as much as I wish it could disappear, I can also live with. But not having another child because of the disease, is something l cannot accept, I think. I had a horrible first pregnancy, and I know I can take another more horrible one, if it meant having another healthy child again. So help me, dear God.

Its 3 in the morning and I can still hear the kitten cries. Its been crying on and off the whole day, probably looking for its mother, which Kuya Cansio said, has died in the morning. He said he saw the mother cat very weak yesterday, and earlier the kitten unknowingly still breastfed over its dead mother.

I’ve been feeding the mother cat whenever we are at the big house over the weekends. I was wondering why she suddenly passed. I remember last week when I accidentally stepped on her while she was sleeping, I still have several scratches on my legs until now. But after that I said I was sorry and had given her food, she seemed okay. And it was almost a week ago. Has she gotten into a car accident? I sincerely hoped it wasn’t my stepping on her which caused her life, which left a poor, young kitten behind. For some reason, I was disturbed by my guilt. Sigh. Rest in peace now dear cat. 😿

In exactly 4 days, the Philippines is going to have its new president. The last election, I voted for someone I believed in, someone I really liked to become the president. Unlike in 2010, until now I’m still undecided who to vote for. I know thousand others like me share the same sentiments. Sometimes I caught myself thinking, are these people the best that we got? 1 of these 5 hopefuls is someone who will lead our nation in the next 6 years, someone who will be our representative in the international community. 

When I learned that MDS is running, I immediately thought she could be that someone. But she has been sick for a while now, and the last presidential debate where I thought she would redeem herself, turned out to be much too painful to watch. I would love her to be our president, but from the looks of her, she isn’t even 70% healthy. Her medications clearly deprive her of what she used to be. If ever I decided to vote for her, it’ll be not only because she deserves to be the president, but out of respect and honor for her life and deeds. Its just sad that MDS is the president we never had. 

The leading candidate now, Duterte, I’m not sure if I even like him. I know where a lot of people are coming from, being he promised to swipe crimes in 6 months. But clearly, he isn’t the role model type. He has a bad mouth (he swears on national TV all the time), a womanizer (which he is proud of), a liar (maybe? because of his undeclared wealth), a killer (i guess? how do you even intend to stop crimes in such short period? unless you quietly take care of them), and many other negatives I could think of. Duterte’s avid supporters called Dutertards (hahaha) are very protective of their bet, thats why he’s too confident in this race. Imagine jumping from mayoral to presidential. Well who knows, maybe, just maybe, he can change the Philippines. But maybe not because out of respect and discipline, but out of fear. My biggest fear would be another Martial Law under his regime.

The 2nd in survey, Poe, I disliked from the very start. I didn’t know where she gets the galls to even dream of becoming a president. Granted that she’s a foundling and maybe a Filipino, we can’t deny the fact that she used to be US citizen. If she has plans of becoming a president in the future then, why on earth did she turned her back on her PH citizenship? It just meant that she has no plans before, but because she has found an opportunity due to her popularity (using her deceased popular father’s name all the time of course) and the people’s so-called clamor, (as well as Chiz’ pushing?) she just decided to run. She must have had good intentions, but she is just one ambitious opportunist neophyte politician in my eyes.

The next in the survey is the government’s bet, Roxas. I have mixed feelings about this guy. Whatever the truth about his whereabouts during Yolanda, just take a look at the metro’s trains and traffic. Its a mess. I hate it when he says the government is already doing what the others still promise to do. They maybe doing it but its obvious they’re not effective. He maybe the most qualified next to MDS, or he maybe the next lesser evil of them, I just wish I have other better option than him. I seriously dislike his face, and his snotty face of a wife. 

The last is Binay. Honestly, being a resident of Makati for such a long time (I live in Paranaque now) I do not have any bad blood against him. Having practically grown up in the city where my family benefited so much under his governance, I actually feel sorry for him if he loses this election. If he wasn’t involved in too much corruption, he could have been a good president, he could have been my choice.

On May 9, one of these men and women would be the next president of our nation. I hope I pick the right one, and I hope my fellowmen do too. I wish I would live to see the day where politicians have honest intentions of serving the country. Tick tock tick tock. God bless the Philippines. 🙏🏼

Adenomyosis and adenomyoma. 

These 2 are giving me a bad, hard day. 😣

What part of the context these people don’t understand? Do they even know that the topic here is same sex  marriage and NOT LGBT per se? I, for one, respect the LGBT community, but strongly opposes in same sex marriage. Its entirely 2 different things. #idiots

Life is indeed short and unpredictable. I can’t believe that Med, my Ate’s best friend, is at her deathbed right now. She had a preterm birth via CS a few days ago. Something must have gone wrong with her surgery, as she was re-opened for another one and had a cardiac arrest in the process. She was in coma for 3 days and was declared brain dead just this morning. Her family and friends, are still in the state of denial.

I was so affected by her ordeal, because one, apart from being my sister’s best friend, somehow she has become a family friend. Her daughter Mishka, was a flower girl in my wedding. We also went to a run together. The last I saw her was in Sophie’s 2nd birthday. She even greeted me personally in viber last christmas and new year.

And two, because she’s going through what I fear the most – death in childbirth. I never told anyone, but this is the main reason I delayed having a child for such a long time. I’m so scared to die while giving birth. Its such a heartbreaking way to die.

Med, I’m thinking of you. We may not understand God’s plan for you, but if you are to leave, I hope you’re at peace.

**Med has passed the night of Feb 6. Her baby boy is well and ready for discharge. Rest in peace Med. You’re home now. 

Before the year ends, I just have to post one last time, to sum up my 2015. It has been the best year so far, and maybe my most travelled year. I have travelled to several countries, Vietnam, Japan, HK and locally to Bohol, Cebu, Bacolod and Iloilo. I’ve also been to unforgettable places for the first time, such as the Holy Land and London. The best part of all the travelling was being with my loved ones, Sophie and Tabs. 

Careerwise, there has been ups and downs. I can’t still fully say I love my job, being my in-law is my boss and she gets on my nerves most of the time. But I am groomed for my future life, and I’m too blessed, too undeserving to complain.

Financially, I have saved a little somehow. I still do not have a million, but step by step I will get there. I’m still a big spender, hopefully this is the trait to improve on next year, so I can save more, for Sophie’s future studies and my parents house.

I may have financial issues with my family, as my elderly parents depend on me frequently. But I’m still thankful they are healthy this year. We also travelled locally a couple of times, and hopefully more next year, while they still can and able.

Healthwise, I still haven’t lost some weight. I maybe even gained more 🙈. But I had my share of efforts to be healthy. I joined several runs and drink cold-pressed juices sometimes. I still breastfeed so somehow I feel I’m okay, though not fit physically.

Social media wise, this year is probably my most active. I try to post something constantly, a photo or two so I can share a bit of my life to my friends and family.

As for Tabs, we love travelling together. We go to work together, and basically just do everything together. Its a bit sad that he’s not pursuing his medical career, but in exchange, I’m thankful because I can be with him everyday. 

As for my little girl Sophie who turned 2 this year, everyday is so much beautiful with her in my life. Motherhood and breastfeeding maybe the most difficult job gifted to me, but its also the most fulfilling. I hope I deserve another Sophie, (or a boy perhaps) in this lifetime.

What a great year it has been! Thank you 2015. Happy new year 2016, I’m excited to see what you have in store for me. Lets bring it on! ❤️