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I lost a stray cat today

I remember him as an elusive kitten outside the gate waiting for food. Whenever I went out every so often to give him and the rest of the strays some leftovers, he has never left since. He grew as a handsome orange cat. He was Ciao’s favorite.

Over time he got into fights with another male cat. He has since became skinny and injured. I saw him last night lying on the door mat having a hard time breathing. I knew very well his condition, cats who breathe like that won’t make it long. I was right, he was found dead today.

Who are you saving, dear cat? Cats and other animals one feed and care for are most likely saving their owners from harm, they get sick and die first. So thank you, orange cat. Play happily at the rainbow bridge.

What was said today

I just kept in my heart 🔐

Just another sad news

My heart sank when I learned that my adenomyoma grew to 7cm over the past year. It was such a devastating news for an adeno sufferer like me. Wishing that Visanne helped it subside was false hope. My adeno is so active that it blew to almost double its size in a matter of months. OB said I can be a candidate for hysterectomy. It felt so tempting.

How I dreamt of pain-free days for the rest of my life! But half of my heart, there’s a tiny voice that says to ask for a child one last time. Can a 7cm mass conceive a child? If it can, what are the odds that the child and I will be safe and make it through?

So many questions, predominantly

How??? Why???

I know deep in my heart I will still try. Oh what I would give to have my youth back.

Why Visanne why

Almost 5 months of taking this pill and it has already taken a heavy toll on my body. The constant were the headaches. I thought I needed the glasses, tried weekly massages, physical and chiropractic therapies, but all to no avail. On the third month I started passing large amounts of clots, as the headache continues. I thought I was losing blood, so I started iron supplements. Almost 3 weeks now I have major debilitating headaches daily, which are not relieved by painkillers anymore like they used to. I constantly feel tired and worn out. Plus I gained almost 4kg.

Oh Visanne, why are you being difficult? I just want temporary relief from Adeno pain, but you have given me so much more, in such a godawful way. I cannot wait to get you out of my life. 😩

Viral Scare

When the world welcomed the new decade with a big scare, the spread of Novel Coronavirus (read: SARS, Mers-Cov alike), I personally got the biggest scare of my life too.

Jolo had febrile convulsions twice due to high fever, and his breathing stopped after each convulsion. As in TOTALLY STOPPED that he turned blue and looked stiff and lifeless. We were in Taipei, Taiwan that time for a vacation, just a few hours before our flight back to Manila.

We rushed him to the hospital just near our hotel, Taipei Medical University Hospital. He was confined for 3 days, diagnosis : Influenza A, or simply, Flu. Imagine, its just a flu virus that almost took my son’s life away. It was by farthest, the most traumatic event in my life.

I am grateful for the doctors and nurses of TMUH. We may have difficulty in language but my son is alive and well because of them. I’m also grateful because we were still at the hotel when the incident happened. Timing is everything during emergencies. I don’t even want to think about what could have happened if we were inside the plane when my son was losing his breaths.

What a challenging way to start the decade but we made through it, and for that I am thankful. 🙏

I heard a sad memory

I heard a song on the radio today and my eyes automatically welled up. It was not even a ballad or a sad love song.

You da one that I dream about all day

You da one that I think about always

You are the one that I make sure I behave

My love is your love, your love is my love

I loved this song by Rihanna back in 2012 and was playing on loop while I was bleeding and losing my first child. I lost the baby at 10 weeks. I have never felt such great sadness in my life.

I conceived Sophie a year after. 🌈

I’m thankful for this song. It reminded me of that saddest part of my life, and appreciate once again, the 2 little humans sometimes monsters sleeping beside me today.

I thank you God.

My 2019 : Year in Review

2019 has got to be my best year yet! I know I say this almost every year, but really, it just keeps getting better every year. Blessings after blessings came pouring in, and I am and always will be, counting and thankful for my life’s blessings, big or small. I will cap off this year citing the monthly happenings, good or bad, and other important events in my life.

January

My baby Jolo was baptized this month. Our first trip of the year was in Hongkong, with our new joiner, Jolo. My hair started to fall immensely, postpartum hairfall is real! This went on for the next 3 months.

February

We celebrated Valentines day twice in an amazing crabs restaurant called Ministry of Crabs. We also watched my favorite musical of all time, Phantom of the Opera, when it returned to Manila. Went to Bali, Indonesia for the first time with the family.

March

We went to Guam for hubby’s birthday! My best buddy in college got married so I was able to see my college friends and their families after such a long time. Sophia was also a flower girl for this wedding.

April

We went to Coron for the first time for my mother-in-law’s birthday. We also went to Auckland, New Zealand during the holy week break. My highschool class had a reunion in a posh restaurant called Flame in Discovery Primea. It was an unforgettable night reminiscing our highschool life.

May

We went to Osaka, Japan together with my parents and sister. It was their first time in Japan so this trip was extra special. Sophia graduated in preschool this month! She received an Achievement Award for ELA and Math and Values Excellence Award. I’m so proud of her!

June

We went on a European trip for the first time! This was our dream destination and we’ve been planning this for a long time already. It was heartbreaking that I had to leave Jolo and wean him from breastfeeding. My breasts were sore and painful for 7 whole days! Extended our trip to London, where we watched Aladdin the musical in West End.

July

We did not have a trip this month, but this month is unforgettable because Dylan Wang came to Manila! And Jolo watched a movie for the first time, The Lion King (but knocked out few minutes after it started). Our relatives from Canada had a vacation in Manila so Sophia got to see her little aunties again after almost 3 years.

August

We went on an overnight trip to Anvaya Cove to treat Sophia’s Canadian aunts. It was also my birthday month! Celebrated it simply just by dining outside. But we went to Shanghai a week after. It was Jolo’s first time to visit a Disneyland in Shanghai.

September

Hubby and I celebrated our anniversary this month. Sophia tried ice skating for the first time but she found it too difficult. We also went on a daytrip to Tagaytay, where we lunched at our favorite Balay Dako and visited an outlet shopping mall called Acienda. VW Pendy was my car this month as CRaVe went on a vacation, aka, casa.

October

It was Jolo’s first birthday! He had his first haircut, too! We had a double celebration at Shakey’s because Sophia turned 6 also this month! We had a trip a week after, to Florida and the Bahamas. Sophia completed her 6 Disneylands in the world! Oh, and Lee Seung Gi came to Manila for the first time! Not everything about this month was smooth though. I had to wear eyeglasses and tried physical therapy for my recurrent headaches and vertigo.

November

Jolo started walking on his own this month, at 13 months old! Sophia was a flower girl for 2 family friends weddings. We also saw a new musical called Cats. I also re-enrolled Sophia in ballet because I want her to be involved in sports again. Also, we found a nanny for Jolo because I had to go back to work. This time I tried Chiropractic therapy for my headaches.

December

I enrolled Sophia in Kumon, to enhance her Math skills. She also came home one day with a surprise, she received a Green Honors Certificate for the term, the highest honor the school gives! We also had a Christmas family photoshoot with beautiful photos at Concept Room Studio. Sophia watched a Disney on Ice again this year, she never misses a show every year since she was 1.

I do not have a lot of money (because I travel for memories!), I have dues to pay, and my kids needs and wants come first before mine. But I am beyond thankful for the providence and graces I receive constantly. I am always thankful for my family, I am reminded that I am blessed by simply having them in my life. 2019 has given me incredibly fond memories to keep and cherish for many years to come. 2020, lets go rock it!!! 🥳

Leaving my breastfeeding baby behind

Receiving the Schengen visa today made it more real that I would be leaving my 7 month old boy in a couple of weeks for a European holiday. It was the hardest decision to make, to bring him or not. Eventually, we decided not to. Just thinking about weaning him from breastfeeding so soon breaks my heart.💔

To make myself more at ease I’m listing the pros and cons of leaving Jolo behind.

Pros

  • Eventhough I know I will miss Jolo terribly, it will be a big unload on my part if I don’t bring him. No strollers and loads of baby stuff, no crying and fussing, no carrier, etc.
  • Sophie’s previous yaya, Ate Nors, is an excellent nanny. She will take care of Jolo when I’m not around, so I know he’s in good hands. Plus the 2 other helpers at home, my inlaws and parents will often come over to visit him. And there’s Facetime! I can see Jolo everyday even just on screen.
  • Maybe aside from the sudden weaning, Jolo will be stress free at home. No jetlag, no early morning call time, no all day everyday touring to places he doesn’t know and won’t even remember.
  • If he gets sick (I sure pray not), medical help is available anytime. Clinics, hospitals and pharmacies are all nearby. When Sophie got sick in Israel during our Holy Land tour, there was nothing in the small pharmacy nearby. I regretted it a lot and wished she hadn’t gone with us that time.
  • It would be a great bonding moment for Sophie and I, as most of the time she wants my attention but I’m more focused on the baby.
  • I can fully (or at least try to) enjoy the trip! I can also watch a musical in London without the baby (plans, plans)

Cons

  • Jolo cries in fits if he hasn’t seen me for 3 hours max. I cannot even imagine him crying for several days during my 17-days trip.
  • I have enough stash of breastmilk in the freezer, but he doesn’t like to drink from the bottle and just directly feeds from me. If he won’t drink breastmilk, I bought several formula for him to try. I’m not really against formulas, its just that abruptly stopping him from my breastmilk is truly heartbreaking for a breastfeeding advocate like me.
  • I also cannot even begin to imagine the pain of my would-be engorged breasts, maybe as hard as rocks. Theres no even use in pumping, when theres no baby to give it to, and no means of proper storage.
  • Maybe the saddest part would be unable to see for the first time if he has a new milestone, like standing on his own (since he’d be 8 months by that time).

We did not apply any visa for Jolo, so I would be forced to leave him.

The guilt of leaving my breastfeeding baby behind is killing me, esp since the reason is going for a holiday. But I just couldn’t let the opportunity pass, as I’m not paying for the trip.

I do hope to relactate when I return, and hope Jolo is still willing to breastfeed from me. Aww, the woes of this breastfeeding mom is strong! 💔

Hello 2019!!!

I’m so ready for you!

After dealing with a very stressful year – pregnancy, childbirth, taking care of a newborn and breastfeeding again what?! PLUS dealing with a growing, almost as bratty as me preschooler, I’m absolutely done with 2018!

I’m probably the most blessed person the last year, and my heart is overflowing with gratitude, but — I’m so ready to move forward with my life and catch up on my travels! So here’s to making more memories this new year! 🥂

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