How do I even know where to begin? I thought I had such high treshold because I even made it to 8cm without epidural when I delivered Sophie. But to experience the labor pains monthly, I feel like I’m slowly slipping away. This pain is consuming me. There are times when I just sit blankly, wallow on the pain, too exhausted to do anything else. It is slowly killing the life of me.

I’ve been diagnosed with Adenomyoma and Adenomyosis this year. To put it simply, I had benign tumors outside my uterus. The lining outside thickens and sheds off just like the insides of the uterus during menstruation period. And the result is an extraordinary dysmenorrhea. The pain is somewhat similar to 2-3cm labor pains. It is so severe that I cannot live without pain relievers anymore. The meds and hot packs only alleviate the pain a little, not totally diminish it.

Though I’m still fortunate that I only experience this for 4-5 days in a month. Some women have them for 2 weeks, or worse, all month long, for the rest of their lives. The good news about it is that it will go away, usually during menopause. The bad news, aside from the excruciating pain, is the fertility issue. Although there are many women who conceived and gave birth to healthy children while having the disease.

I had to live through this, I know. I also know in time it will get better. The pain, as much as I wish it could disappear, I can also live with. But not having another child because of the disease, is something l cannot accept, I think. I had a horrible first pregnancy, and I know I can take another more horrible one, if it meant having another healthy child again. So help me, dear God.

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