Search

leerenah

Life Journal

Category

Thoughts

My first tattoo

I’m kinda embarrassed to say I had my first tattoo at 40 years old. It was in my bucketlist for years, but I was searching for the right design, and it did not materialize until now.

It was a simple one, but full of meaning for me. A happy and worry-free boy looking up at his red balloon, with no worries for the future. I know this boy. I have high hopes for him.

I would like my future self to look back at this season of my life where I struggled, searched answers to my questions, and how I overcame it. I would like to look at this grown boy in the future, with deep fondness, and together we say, we did it. We overcame your weaknesses. This tattoo symbolizes my unconditional love for this boy. I see past his imperfections and just love him the way he is.

I see you. And I love you. My first tattoo is you, my son.

Tattoo Nebula

Thank you 2021, next

2021 for me, was filled with mixed emotions. Many happy events, some sad, happened to me this year.

Though we were still stuck at home for almost half the year, there’s a new home we’ve been going to since April. Its the new house of my inlaws in a posh community, it has a pool so my kids have been swimming almost all year long 😅

Mid year I decided I cannot let the government control my life nor my kids’ lives anymore. It has become more apparent that Jolo is having developmental delays and I somehow blame it on the lockdowns. The kids were stuck at home for a long time but Covid cases were not improving. I cannot let my child be a victim of other people’s incompetence. Kids’ mental health is very much important, too. Jolo is now currently undergoing intensive behavior therapy and SPED.

We’ve been going everywhere where kids are allowed for almost half a year now. We’ve been to the beach, zoos, farms, amusement parks, malls, play gyms.. the list goes on. We go out every week, making up for lost time. I believe going out as much strengthen their immunities, since Covid and its variants are not going away anytime soon.

But just when I thought I was starting to move forward all over again came my biggest trouble this year. My elderly father was ICU’d for 2 months due to Covid. I hit rock bottom with my finances and now in dire straits getting up from it.

The unfortunate events made me questioned God several times this year. Why my son, why my father, why I have people depending on me financially. But He has given me my biggest blessing this year, the birth of my third child Isabella. I know I lack in so many ways, but still, I was given something I asked for in such a short period of time. I feel undeserving.

Goodbye 2021! You are memorable and I am thankful for you. My wish for next year is simple, to just be healthy and to travel again. Always wishing, always hoping in 2022!

What? Why?

You are my biggest heartbreak Jolo. When I rushed you to ER at just 4 days old, when you had seizures in Taiwan at 1 year old, and now, you are suspected of autism at barely 3 years old. 💔 So many other issues about you but these are the major ones.

WHAT do you want from me, Jolo??? WHY do you keep on testing me???

So Far Away

Far away thoughts

Living in yesterday

Far away thoughts

Is that all there is

Far away thoughts

Clamor in my head

How do I get back to

A life so far away

Good riddance 2020!

I cannot believe that I’m now writing my annual yearend post. How was it 1 year already?? I mostly just stayed at home and before I know it, its been a year!😂

And also how it was so different from last year, when I travelled almost every month, not saving for the rainy days. And the rainy days did come, and I am left dead broke for many years to come.*sniff

Anyways, it was January this year when we had the biggest scare of our lives in Taiwan. It now appears as a vague memory and I pray I won’t be experiencing that to any of my kids ever again. We had Jolo seen by a Neuro when we got back.

I was glad we did that Sapporo trip in February. The kids had fun with snow everywhere. I miss travelling the most and it was a good last memory of travel for now. Who knows when we can travel as family again?

By March, Jolo had a series of Neuro tests. Also on a different occasion he was diagnosed with AGE, and had diarrhea for 10 days. It was a bad experience at St. Lukes ER for kinda discriminating us since we just got back from Japan that time. Before the lockdown hubby and I got to watch the musical play Matilda, and Sophie had her ballet recital pictorial, which sadly, was postponed indefinitely.

March, April, May, June were pretty much uneventful. Those were the ECQ days and all I remembered were food deliveries, swimming of kids, buying my first few plants.

By June I came off Visanne (yes!) to try conceiving again. The adeno pain came back almost as immediately🙄 Mid June I started feeling THE neck pain and THE migraines, which went on for the next 3 months or so.

July, August, September were all about my neck pain and all the physical therapies I went through for relief. There were nights when the pain was so bad, I looked at my kids and thought about not being able to wake up. Those were the worst nights.

Sophie started with her online classes by August. Honestly I feel sad for her with this setup, but this makes our lives more convenient imho. She can wake up late since her classes are just on the next room. Schoolworks are light and not too strict, plus she’s somehow safe from catching the virus.

Ciao passed on September. It was a heartbreaking moment since we had to euthanize him. Play in paradise Ciao!

My adeno and neck pain were the worst in October. I even wrote a letter saying goodbye to my uterus! But I want to remember this as a happy month. The kids celebrated their 2nd and 7th birthdays, and we had small celebrations with the rest of the family. Jolo also started his speech and occupational therapies this month.

Come November I became a plant seller! The quarantine months I sold almost anything to my neighbors- masks, thermal scanners, face shields, etc. I even sold a lot of used stuff online. I collected a lot of plants over the quarantine so I thought maybe I could sell some of them. I also found a good supplier of cactuses and succulents. Prickles Manila was then born!

November and December were pretty much all about Prickles Manila and the 2 plant bazaars I joined. I remembered endless days of repotting, and procuring supplies.

How was it the year was short but the days were dragging? This year was so bad for me financially, but we are all fine and thriving. Kids and oldies are in good health. I somehow got through my herniated disc, the cause of my neck pain and headaches. My adeno pain, on the other hand, I know I will win over it. What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger. I maybe crawling on my knees, but I’m not going to surrender.

What a year it has been! Thank you 2020 for the challenges and life lessons. 2021, we are hopeful! 🥂

Just another sadder news

I turned another year older few weeks ago, and as much as I would like to post something about the good things happening despite the world’s bad situation, I simply could not.

I’m currently in the middle of hate affair with my body. Over the last 2 months I’ve been suffering from intense neck pain and neverending headaches. I’ve done 11 sessions of physical therapy, even had a consult with a neurologist. Finally went to a different ortho and had an XRAY and MRI. The result was I have cervical herniated disc. I didn’t know if I should be more worried. But at least now I have an answer.

PLUS the 7cm adenomyoma just turned 8cm in just 2 months. I have a high pain threshold, but the pain! Pain is so intense, it gets worse and worse as months and years go by. Its making my life miserable. 😭

My OB was skeptic about me trying to get pregnant again. I’d be on my fertility pills in the next few days. Lets just say, I want to try for the last time, before I say adios to my uterus.

I’d be doing PT again for my herniated disc, I’m pretty skeptic too about the fertility pills and TTC, but who knows. Nothing is impossible.

Oh God! I’m not even 40 years old! If there’s a painful realization over my diseases is that I should have kept myself healthy, or at least active, during my younger years. OB is also worried about my kidneys, having taken painkillers constantly for more than 4 years now.

As for the adenomyoma, I should have known I will get this disease too, since my mother had it and also had a hysterectomy in her early 40s. I should have made babies when I was a lot younger and healthier, and now I’m racing against time.

When all alse fails, just in case I forget 🙏

God when I lose hope, help me remember that your love is greater than my disappointments, and your plans for me are better than my dreams.

I lost a stray cat today

I remember him as an elusive kitten outside the gate waiting for food. Whenever I went out every so often to give him and the rest of the strays some leftovers, he has never left since. He grew as a handsome orange cat. He was Ciao’s favorite.

Over time he got into fights with another male cat. He has since became skinny and injured. I saw him last night lying on the door mat having a hard time breathing. I knew very well his condition, cats who breathe like that won’t make it long. I was right, he was found dead today.

Who are you saving, dear cat? Cats and other animals one feed and care for are most likely saving their owners from harm, they get sick and die first. So thank you, orange cat. Play happily at the rainbow bridge.

What was said today

I just kept in my heart 🔐

Just another sad news

My heart sank when I learned that my adenomyoma grew to 7cm over the past year. It was such a devastating news for an adeno sufferer like me. Wishing that Visanne helped it subside was false hope. My adeno is so active that it blew to almost double its size in a matter of months. OB said I can be a candidate for hysterectomy. It felt so tempting.

How I dreamt of pain-free days for the rest of my life! But half of my heart, there’s a tiny voice that says to ask for a child one last time. Can a 7cm mass conceive a child? If it can, what are the odds that the child and I will be safe and make it through?

So many questions, predominantly

How??? Why???

I know deep in my heart I will still try. Oh what I would give to have my youth back.

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑